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Are you okay?

“Are you okay?”

The sympathetic face looks at me. The eyes bore into mine, concerned, interested. I think.

My hands clench into tight fists.

Do they really care how I am? Why would they? Do they really want to know if I’m okay.

My mouth opens. I hesitate. Afraid to speak the truth. I want to tell them. I want them to know, but the voice loud in my head, They don’t really care.

I search their face for deception. It is filled with only empathy.

Everybody asks, it just manners.

They asked, so they must care.

Everybody expects a YES. Then for you to smile. They can then feel good they asked. Nobody can know the truth. They won’t understand.

I close my mouth. My eyes look away. I take a big deep breath.

Don’t tell them the truth.

“Are you okay?” A gentle hand on my shoulder.

No, but I am scared to tell you. Will you judge me as weak? Will you see my imperfections? Will you see everything I am not? Will you see that I am scared, afraid and alone? Will you tell me to man up and get on with thngs? Will you look at me with pity?

I want to tell you.

Don’t tell. Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see.

I open my mouth to speak. I can’t let the words out.

I lift my face. My eyes search your face. I see the tears in your eyes. I shake my head.

The tears flow and release the pain, the sadness, the loneliness and the shame.

I let it all out. Your arms embrace me.

”Let it out. You are not alone.”

Then my voice, soft breaks the silence…

I am in the darkness. Alone. All around me is black. I can see nothing. Feel nothing but darkness. I try to feel for something around me, something to anchor but I get lost in the dark. My body won’t move. I am trapped.

I want it to end. I want to be free from the darkness. From the torture of my thoughts. I want to matter. I want to be enough. I want to know I am someone.

“So do I. You are not alone.”

I uncurl my fist and place the razor in your hand.

“I want to live in the light. I am not okay. Please help me.”

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