“Are you okay?”
The sympathetic face looks at me. The eyes bore into mine, concerned, interested. I think.
My hands clench into tight fists.
Do they really care how I am? Why would they? Do they really want to know if I’m okay.
My mouth opens. I hesitate. Afraid to speak the truth. I want to tell them. I want them to know, but the voice loud in my head, They don’t really care.
I search their face for deception. It is filled with only empathy.
Everybody asks, it just manners.
They asked, so they must care.
Everybody expects a YES. Then for you to smile. They can then feel good they asked. Nobody can know the truth. They won’t understand.
I close my mouth. My eyes look away. I take a big deep breath.
Don’t tell them the truth.
“Are you okay?” A gentle hand on my shoulder.
No, but I am scared to tell you. Will you judge me as weak? Will you see my imperfections? Will you see everything I am not? Will you see that I am scared, afraid and alone? Will you tell me to man up and get on with thngs? Will you look at me with pity?
I want to tell you.
Don’t tell. Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see.
I open my mouth to speak. I can’t let the words out.
I lift my face. My eyes search your face. I see the tears in your eyes. I shake my head.
The tears flow and release the pain, the sadness, the loneliness and the shame.
I let it all out. Your arms embrace me.
”Let it out. You are not alone.”
Then my voice, soft breaks the silence…
“I am in the darkness. Alone. All around me is black. I can see nothing. Feel nothing but darkness. I try to feel for something around me, something to anchor but I get lost in the dark. My body won’t move. I am trapped.
I want it to end. I want to be free from the darkness. From the torture of my thoughts. I want to matter. I want to be enough. I want to know I am someone. “
“So do I. You are not alone.”
I uncurl my fist and place the razor in your hand.
“I want to live in the light. I am not okay. Please help me.”