Today is always a day that has mixed emotions. Father’s Day.
My dad passed away over 15 years ago and even as I say that I can not believe that so much time has passed. Today is a day I always miss him – I miss having a living dad. The energy of the father to just lovingly provide that safe harbour.
Today I wished this for my children. For them to know the love of a father once again, to feel safe and protected in the knowledge that he is present. Today all they had was me.
For 3 years now it’s just been the kids and I. When Father’s Day comes, it always breaks my heart that they wait for the phone call or message saying that their dad wants to see them. That he wants to connect with them. That he loves them and misses them. But it doesn’t come- and I have to watch their little hearts break with disappointment. So I try to remind them he is human with his own troubles- but they are children and they don’t really understand how that can keep him away from them. The truth is we don’t really know why he won’t see them- the not knowing means their insecurities fire up to tell them he doesn’t love them, they are not important enough. I try to remind them that he does love them, but when silence is all they receive from him, even that begins to feel empty.
I smile at them and inside my heart breaks as I don’t want them to ever think that they won’t have a father, that they reject the idea of their worthiness to be loved by a father.
I hug them in tighter and make sure they they know:
I am here
I am not leaving
They are perfect
They are more then enough
I love them
They are precious
They are the most important thing to me in the world
And then I tell them I love them again
I cry inside as I can’t take their pain away. I can’t stop the disappoint and sadness in their hearts. I can stop them feeling rejected- but I can make sure they know that it is not them. They didn’t do anything wrong. And the only thing we can do is hope one day their dad will find a way to forgive himself.
So we work as a family towards forgiving him. This is hard. Even harder for children who really don’t get or care much for the complexities of the adult mind. To them it is simple.. a dad is someone who is always there no matter what.
Within each of them are mixed feelings and emotions- and we recognise that we need to talk. We need to express. We need compassion and understanding for ourselves and each other.
To know they will love him always. They will want him to contact them- that is okay. I tell them is is okay to move on. We can not spend our time waiting for something that may or may not happen. Slowly they are getting better with this.
So today… we celebrated family day.
Our little beautiful family. When we started off it was raining and overcast. Sitting down outside to eat in the freezing cold we were suddenly aware the rain had stopped. And in its place the sun smiled it warmth into us for the whole time. We were warmed with love from heaven… I looked up to skies and thanked my dad. I knew he poured the love onto us, so they knew he was there. We smiled. We laughed. And we united as family.
Today was family day… and it was wonderful. Filled with so much love ❤️❤️❤️