I was scared to follow my dreams. For most of my life I doubted myself. Felt that I wasn't good enough.
I remember I was also the quiet one- not because I couldn't speak but because I was afraid to speak. Afraid for people to see me, hear me. Afraid they would judge me- affirm my worst fears that I wasn't enough.
I didn't want to risk it. So scared that I would be ridiculed or shut down.
My insecurities were crippling to me. They paralysed me with fear. I didn't know how to break free.
Years and years I would hide in the background. I would let others take the limelight. I believed I wasn't the 'enoughs'. I gave up. Surrendered all my hopes, dreams and passions. I settled for a life that just was.
I gave up on my dreams. I gave up on myself.
the funny thing was, life didn't give up on me. It pushed me. It threw me in situations. It slowly built up my voice so it could be heard. It forced me to face my fears.
Life didn't give up on me. No matter how much I pushed it away, it remained vigilant in its pursuant to propel me along my path to fulfil my destiny.
I fought it. I cried. I threw tantrums at it.
I succumbed to the darkness in me. Turned out the lights. Yet life didn't give up on me. It reached in and with just one spark of light coaxed me out of my darkness and back into my life. I didn't understand - why did it remain faithful? Why didn't life just stop?
Didn't it understand I didn't believe in me. I gave up on me. I was overcome with failure. I was overwhelmed with disappointment.
But life did understand. It pushed harder. New situations were thrown at me, each one showed me my strength, my courage, my bravery and most importantly, that I mattered.
That I was important.
It forced me to make choices. To invest in me. To back be. To feel and know I was important, valued and worthy.
Life showed me that I was always going to feel scared, that my insecurities would plunge me into darkness. BUT the choice to fight through, to walk forwards meant I would always succeed.
What did I want? The question still to this day is one I ask myself often.
It changes but the main goal is to live with and in love every minute I am alive.
Life is committed to me- so was I going to commit to life?
I said YES
I am really glad life didn't give up on me.