Lately I have taken some time to just sit back and recover from what has been an enormous two years. So many people kept telling me I needed to just sit, heal, define, restructure and be me. I didn’t listen for so long because I felt like I had to keep going. To stop and acknowledge meant I would have to feel. And I didn’t want to feel. I wanted to hide from all the pain, disappointment and struggle.
I didn’t want to face the feelings I had towards myself. The ones that told me I wasn’t good enough. That I was responsible for all the ‘bad’ stuff that had gone on.
I was tired of feeling inadequate. I was tired of being judged. I was tired of feeling like my life was a failure. I was just tired…
The work I loved. That I was so passionate about was all too much. The pressure and expectation I placed on myself was just to much. I wanted to help others, but you can’t when there is nothing left in you to even help yourself. So I took some time off… reluctantly and consumed myself with the guilt of ‘not doing anything’. But really I was doing so much. I was taking the time to get me back on track.
The reactions from people were funny – my closest were relieved to finally see me heal. Others wanted me broken and lost.
I became stronger in my sense of self. And most importantly my trust of self. I stopped putting energy into what was wrong and instead on what was right. If something wasn’t making me happy- I asked why. Then I did something about it. Gone were the days of waiting for others or for a miracle of to come and save me or change my life.
My relationship with God became so important. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t have to. I stopped and focused on reconnecting with him. Of understanding his place in my life. Of not relying on God to fix my life- using his strength, belief and light to empower me to push through. My connection to God is sacred to me. God helped showed me the strength of myself. That I hold the power and to not give that away to anyone.
I looked at the people around me. And I decided who stayed and who went. The insight and perspective from honesty showed me the truth. For years I felt it was my responsibility to make things right- to fix the problem. There are some problems that can’t be fixed. And there are some people who just aren’t meant to be in your world. So I took a magnifying glass to the people around me. I looked from my heart into their heart, for that connection of love, respect, value and trust. If I didn’t find it, I let them go with love and blessings of happiness.
It made room for new connections.
Connections that fitted. Connections that inspired. Connections that celebrated love.
As I write this Cat Stevens “Morning Has Broken’ randomly played. It was my Dad’s favourite song. And it became one of my favourite songs.
A beautiful reminder I am right where I am meant to be.