I saw you last night.
I was in my place. Overwhelmed I hid behind the water- too afraid to come out and face the world.
Do you have a place like that? Just yours. Sacred. Safe.
I wonder if you hide sometimes to. I use to think it was weak to go there.
But I am drawn there. A sanctuary.
Life is really hard sometimes. I crave for it to be simple. Yearn with every cell of my being. But it never works out that way.
Just when I think, yes I’ve got it together. BAM! I’m on the floor, exhausted battle worn and bruised. I look around, my hands reach out for anyone. But, they grasp air. And each time they close, I am disappointed.
My life chewed me up and spat me out. Right there, I disappear into my sanctuary. Crying. Alone.
I don’t want to be alone. And I wonder why? Am I the reason I walk alone.
Do you feel soul ‘alone’? . I bury it deep. Cover it up so no one can see it. I don’t want that look. You know the one- something is wrong with you. I hate that look. Because what if they are right. What is wrong with me?
I want to be okay with being alone. I want to believe that I am enough. That my life is enough.
I really want to believe that I can be happy alone.
I tell myself there are worse things in the world that can happen. Being alone is sad, but not the worst thing.
It never really makes me feel any better. I try, so hard.
How do I fill lonely? How do I take it away? I do I be okay with just me?
We are not programmed to be alone. Everywhere- love, soul mate, the forever person. Happily ever afters. Fairytales with the prince and the princess. Tribes. Crews. My people.
When I walk down the street, I look in people’s eyes. I want to see their happy. But I look for their lonely. I want to know that I am not the only one.
It is belonging. Connection. I have felt this my whole life. I can’t remember the last time I felt connected to anyone. I dwell on the outskirts – not feeling that sense of belonging. The deep loneliness that dwells in my DNA. makes you wonder that even if I found you, would that go away? It is all I have ever known. All I have ever really felt. Would it go away? Is that is what is wrong with me? Am I unable to connect?
But more importantly, would I let myself?
This place fills me with a calm in my soul. I am protected behind the veil of water from discovery.
The sounds of cascading water fills my ears. It calms my soul. No one is ever there. No one is allowed. I was sad. My heart was heavy with a grief I don’t understand.
Then I turned…
And then you were there. Beside me. Relieved, tears spilled from my eyes. I was not alone. I snuggled into you, laid my head on your shoulder.
I smelled the leather, a scent familiar yet foreign. The jacket smooth and soft.
You sat with me. Your skin smooth and shiny. My hand found its way into yours. Your textured skin under my fingers tips.
You didn’t leave. Smiled that smile, that tells me it’s all going to be okay. I believed it was real.
And in that moment so were you.
I miss you. Please come find me.