Updated: Jul 20
You don’t know me. I don’t know you. But we know each other. I am not sure that is your name. I am not sure of anything really.
I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But we do. There is no explanation just feelings. My memories are of times that don’t exist. Maybe they are times of past or maybe they are times to come.
I wish I knew you. I wish I could see you, right in front me of. I wish I could watch you smile and turn you head just like in these memories that don’t really exist anywhere but inside my mind.
If I close my eyes – I can feel you everywhere. I can feel you sitting next to me. I can smell your smell. The feel of your hand on mine. I can feel the smooth cold surface of your brown jacket.
And then I open my eyes and I am left with this lingering feeling that you real. But just not here. Not right now.
I feel crazy because I know that in my hear I love you. Yet I don’t know you. You do not exist in my world.
Yet you feel as real to me as the sun that shines on my face.
I wonder at times what your voice would sound like- but I know that if I ever heard it I would know it was you. The tone. The way it rises on certain syllables. The words you use. The calmness the sound brings to my soul.
To me you are real. To me you do exist. To everyone else – you don’t.
Sometimes when I am asleep, I feel you lying next to me. I can hear you breathe. The warmth of your body against mine. Then I wake up. And I am alone. With just a feeling. A sense that maybe you were with me- just in another time. A different space.
I want to go there and be with you all the time.
I feel the softness of your lips brush against my forehead. A gentle kiss. It tells me you are here. You are real. I close my eyes and sit in that moment. Slow motion- I feel everything.
But mostly I feel at home with you.
You complete me. You make me whole.
And then I open my eyes and I am alone again. And I feel that disappointed that in my world you aren’t real. That you don’t exist. That I am alone with only false memories of a love that may exist – not in this lifetime but another. And that I am blessed to have that ray of sunshine brighten my world if only for a brief moment. To light the loneliness with love, with that feeling of wholeness – of only for a moment, if only for the briefest of seconds. It makes me feel less alone. But then I get scared that in this lifetime I will never find you. That I will never feel that completion. And I wish more than anything in this world that I find you. And maybe when you see me you will know what I have known- that this love is real.
I wonder if it will be enough. These phantom memories – to fill a void in my world. I try to forget about you, but you are in my soul.
How can I miss someone I don’t know. How can I love someone I don’t know.
I miss you. I love you.
I keep looking for you everywhere. But I walk away with a broken heart. You aren’t there. They aren’t you.
And I tell myself maybe – just maybe one day you will be standing in front of me and smiling. And I will know. And you will know.
I ask myself at the phantom memories enough? Will they see me through this lifetime?
So I give thanks and I tell myself:
I am thankful for this blessing, for this gift of vision- whether it is from this time, a time before, a time parallel or a time yet to come. I am thankful for the blessing of love.
I hope I find you…