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The False Default

Updated: Apr 9



All of us have those moments of ‘overwhelm’. The heaviness weighs us down and we struggle to see beyond it. Trapped in the loop we chase our tail around in circles. Trying to seek a way through, trying to find a glimpse of hope but each time the overwhelm digs its claws in and pulls us back under.

 

I do. For me the struggle is real.

 

At times it cripples me, paralyses me in the loop… same thoughts, feelings repeat over and over like a broken record.   Plagued with doubt, blindsided by the guilt of not trying hard enough, not doing more, not being strong enough…

 

It was always the same… the not ‘enoughs’ ruled my thinking.

So scared that my best was never going to be enough. That I was never enough. That my words were not good enough.

 

My brain hurt, my body was weak, and my eyes felt heavy. I collapsed under the fear.

 

Then it hit me … I just didn’t feel the ‘not enoughs’, I believed them. Every single one.

 

I called to that part of me where this existed. I found her curled up in a ball - crying. She was beside herself with grief and sadness. She mourned the loss of every opportunity.

 

I took this frail part of myself and held her close. I let her cry. Together we released the sadness.

The overwhelm eased and the heaviness lightened.

 

It was at this moment I realised there was more to this. I had to dig deeper. Where did this

fundamental belief that I was not good enough start?  It started from something. What? Where?

I needed to understand its beginning so I could start the process of getting my fragmented self back to wholeness. To embrace, learn, know and define who I am.

 

I dove deep and layer by layer I got closer and closer to its origin. Until it was right in front of me…


My default position was failure - the position I navigated to. In my mind it was safe.


How can failure be safe? Because it asks nothing of you.

 

For as long as I remember I always thought myself not good enough.


In my mind, I created the failure before I had even begun. Why?  Because I could control the outcome. I didn’t need to be publicly shamed or embarrassed by not being good enough.

 

So began the process of changing the default position, to believing…


I am enough.


Recognising that ‘failure, failing, failed’ is okay and it speaks not of the ‘not enoughs’ but the guts, determination, bravery, and persistence you have within to pick yourself up and keep trying.

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