the love ideal

For a long time, I believed in the ‘ideal’ of love, a concept that seemed to dominate my thoughts and aspirations. I envisioned a perfect scenario where, in order for love to truly exist in my life, I had to find that one special person, my soulmate, and together we would live out a fairy tale existence, happily ever after. This notion was not just a passing thought; it became a foundational pillar of my life, shaping my decisions and influencing my emotional well-being.

I was so deeply invested in this ideal that the thought of not achieving it was simply not an option for me. It became my number one goal—find love at any cost. The pursuit of this love ideal consumed me, often overshadowing other aspects of my life that also deserved attention and nurturing. My fixation on finding ‘the one’ became an all-encompassing quest, and I believed that without it, my life would be incomplete.

However, for me, the road to finding Mr. Love was anything but smooth; it was rocky, shaky, and decidedly unattractive. This intense need to discover the one true love meant that I often attracted all the wrong people and none of the right ones. I settled far too often for relationships that were mediocre at best, convincing myself that any semblance of a partnership was better than being alone. I compromised my values and desires way too much in order to keep the ideal alive in my mind. I told myself that this was the ultimate goal—if I found it, I should hold onto it tightly, no matter the cost.

So, in my reluctance to ever let go of these flawed connections, I lost sight of who I truly was. I became so desperate to embody the ‘love ideal’ that I inadvertently created a false imprisonment that left me feeling lonely, empty, and profoundly sad. I poured everything I had into these relationships, often trying to fix what was broken, attempting to make things work, all with the primary goal of not losing sight of the love ideal I had constructed in my mind. The truth of the matter was that the identity of the ‘who’ became irrelevant compared to my desire to live out the ideal. I yearned to walk among others who were also living this so-called ideal, to be counted among the ‘has’, those who had found love.

I had fooled myself into believing that what I was experiencing was real love. The harsh reality, however, was that I was living a lie. I was simply terrified of being alone. Deep down, I questioned my own worthiness—wondering if I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough to attain the love ideal I so desperately craved. Relationship after relationship followed the same painful pattern. I found myself more enamoured with the idea of being in love than with the actual experience of love itself. I was blinded to the truth, perhaps because I didn’t want to confront it. The fantasy of love was far more enticing than the stark reality of my misery.

Eventually, I embarked on a journey to discover what the real ‘love ideal’ truly was. This journey was not what I expected, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed. My focus on the love ideal had to shift dramatically; I needed to learn how to accept love in my heart and allow it to flow freely from me, unencumbered by conditions or barriers I had previously erected.

Through this transformative period, I went through immense pain and sadness. I confronted the terrible loneliness that had crept into my life, and I faced the sting of rejection head-on. I belittled myself, repeatedly telling myself that no one wanted me, and that I was unlovable. I found myself asking the same haunting question over and over again: what was wrong with me? I sat in my despair, crying buckets of tears, living deeply entrenched in my hurt, pain, and misery.

I asked the same question over and over ….Why did no one want to love me?

Being single, being alone, felt overwhelmingly burdensome. It was dark, scary, and profoundly lonely. The worst part was not just the solitude but also the way people perceived me and the incessant questions that followed my status….

Why haven’t you met anyone?

Why are you single?

How come you haven’t found anyone yet?

The only answer I could muster was a simple, honest, “I don’t know—I just haven’t.” And that was the truth, a truth that felt like a weight on my shoulders.

For years, I tirelessly tried to find the love ideal. But the effort felt increasingly burdensome. The suitors I encountered were often the same versions of the past, echoing the same patterns of disappointment and heartache.

Then, a new realization dawned on me: what if the ideal love didn’t exist for me? What if my journey at this moment was meant to be one of solitude? To embrace being alone, rather than fearing it.

So, I cried some more. It was never what I wanted; it was never meant to be this way for me. But this was the reality I had to face. I didn’t want to settle for anything less than extraordinary. I craved a connection so profound that my heart would resonate with another’s heart. I longed for a partnership that would challenge me, support me, and provide a love so pure that I wouldn’t have to pretend, overcompensate, or lie to myself.

I wanted a love that would make me sparkle with joy, that would cause my heart to flutter in the most delightful way.

So, I cried even more. I mourned the loss of my love ideal, grieving for all that I had envisioned and more. Since I was a young girl, I had always believed that my prince would be standing by my side, ready to share life’s adventures with me.

And now, all I had was myself.

I felt so lost. So scared. So alone. The world around me felt unsafe and insecure. I was stripped bare, vulnerable, and so I hid away from the world, retreating into my own thoughts.

I didn’t want to be alone. But the reality was that I was. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life without ever knowing what it felt like to be in love with a partner who truly understood me.

I didn’t want to live the rest of my life never experiencing that all-consuming, passionate, safe, and beautiful love that I had always dreamed of.

But my reality was what it was, and I had to either face it head-on or crumple into a heap of despair. My heart felt heavy with the weight of my emotions. I was so tired of the struggle.

So, I surrendered to it.

I didn’t give up on love. I simply accepted the possibility that I might be on my own and that this could very well be my forever. I began to embrace the belief that love could exist for me in many different forms and that these forms could be equal to, if not more powerful than, the romantic love I had always sought.

I realised I was blessed to be surrounded by love in various manifestations—love from friends, family, and most importantly, my children.

I chose to focus on that love. Love that lifts me, whispers in my ear of my worthiness and supports me unconditionally. Love that fills me with confidence, that is steadfast through all times, weathering any storm that life throws my way.

This journey led me to define the different types of love I had encountered and the love that I had never truly given to myself. I came to understand that I needed to embark on a journey of developing a loving relationship with myself. I had to fill both my inner and outer world with a love that originated from within me.

I am still single today. People often ask me if I am looking for love. My answer now is if I happen to find ‘the one’, then that will be a beautiful gift, and I will cherish it deeply. But if I don’t, I have come to realise that my life is still full of meaning, happiness, joy, and of course, an abundance of LOVE in its many forms.