For a long time, I believed in the ‘ideal’ of love. That for love to exist I had to find the one and live happily ever after.
I was so invested in this ideal that to not have it was never an option. It was the number 1 goa l- find love.
For me the road to finding Mr Love was rocky, shaky, and so not pretty. This need to find the one meant I was attracting all the wrong and none of the right. I settled way too often for something mediocre. I compromised way too much to keep the ideal alive. I told myself that this was the goal - and if you find it you should hold onto it tight.
So reluctant to ever let go I lost myself. I just wanted so badly to be living the ‘love ideal’ that I created a false imprisonment that left me lonely, empty, and sad.
I gave everything. Tried to fix everything. Tried to make it work. All with the primary goal to not lose the love ideal.
The truth be told – the who became irrelevant to the desire to live the ideal. To walk amongst those who were also living the ideal, to be one of the ‘has’.
I fooled myself into believing it was real. The reality was I was living such a lie. I was just scared to be alone. Maybe I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough for the love ideal.
Relationship after relationship – the same pattern. I was more in love with the idea of being in love than being in love at all. I couldn’t see the truth. Maybe I didn’t want to see the truth. The fantasy was so much more enticing than the reality of my misery.
I embarked on a journey to discover the real ‘love ideal’. It was not what I expected. But it was what I needed.
The focus on my love ideal had to shift to accept love in my heart and to allow it flow from me free of conditions or barriers.
I went through the pain and sadness. The terrible loneliness. The rejection. I belittled myself. I told myself no one wanted me. I told myself I was unlovable. I asked myself what was wrong with me. I sat and cried buckets of tears. I lived in my hurt, my pain, my misery.
I asked the same question over and over ….
Why did no one want to love me?
Being single, alone sucked big time. It was dark, scary, and so lonely. The worst part is the way people perceive you and the questions….
Why haven’t you met anyone?
Why are you single?
How come you haven’t found anyone yet?
The only answer I give is I don’t know- I just haven’t. That is the truth.
For years I tried to find the love ideal. But the effort was too hard. The suitors the same versions of the past.
Then a new realisation dawned on me what if they did not exist for me. What if my journey right now was to walk alone. To be alone.
So, I cried some more. It was never what I wanted. It was never meant to be this way for me. But it was.
I didn’t want to settle for anything less then. I wanted my heart to be so connected. I wanted my heart to know their heart. I wanted to be in a partnership that challenged me, supported me in a love so pure that I didn’t have to pretend, overcompensate, or lie to myself.
I wanted a love that made me sparkle with the heart flutter.
So, I cried even. more. I mourned the loss of my love ideal. I grieved for all that and more.
Since I was a young girl I always believed my prince would be standing by my side.
And now all I had was myself.
I was so lost. So scared. So alone. The world was not safe or secure. I was stripped so bare, so vulnerable that I hid away.
I didn’t want to be alone. But I was. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life never knowing what it felt like to be in love with a partner.
I didn’t want to live the rest of my life never knowing that all-consuming, passionate, safe and beautiful love.
But my reality was that. And I had to either face it or crumple in a heap.
My heart was heavy.
I was so tired.
So, I surrendered to it.
I didn’t give up on love. I just accepted that I may be on my own and that could very well be my forever.
I embraced the belief, was grateful for and felt blessed that love for me existed in so many different forms that were equal if not more powerful.
I was blessed to be surrounded by love. Friends, family but mainly my children.
I focused on that love… love that lifts me, whispers in my ear of my worthiness, love that supports me.
Love that fills me with confidence.
Love that is there through all times… it weathers any storm.
It led me to define the love types and the love I never gave to myself.
And the knowing that I had to now embark on the journey of developing that loving relationship with myself. I had to fill my inside and outside world with love from me.
I am still single. People ask me if I am looking.
I answer now I am open, but my life is not driven by finding romantic love. If I find ‘the one’ then that is a gift, and I will cherish it.
But… if I don’t life is still full of meaning, happiness, joy and of course LOVE.