Poetry of Healing- A podcast with a difference

Poetry of Healing podcast is a profound and intricate exploration of my emotional landscape, a roadmap that delves deep into the core of my heartbreak, healing, awakening, and evolution. It is a visceral journey that captures the essence of my struggles and triumphs, illustrating how the written word can serve as a powerful tool for transformation and self-discovery.

“You are so together. Your life is amazing. You have it all figured out.” These words echo in my ears with a frequency that is both comforting and disconcerting. I hear this affirmation frequently, but the perceptions of others do not always reflect the truth of my experiences. Behind the facade of a seemingly perfect life lies a tumultuous internal war that has ravaged my spirit and tested my resilience. For many years, I was plagued by constant anxiety and an overwhelming sense of zero self-worth. The pervasive mindset of ‘not enough’ and ‘less than’ took control of my thoughts and actions. No matter how much positivity I attempted to pour into my consciousness, my self-loathing relentlessly tore it apart, leaving me feeling fragmented and lost.

As a child, my Indian brown skin was a stark reminder of my differences in a world that often celebrated uniformity. Growing up as the only Indian family in a middle-class conservative suburb dominated by a predominantly ‘white’ culture, I often felt like an outsider. My parents worked tirelessly to help us assimilate into the community, but despite their best efforts, we stuck out like a sore thumb. The differences in our food, language, clothing, and religious practices isolated me further from my peers. I was acutely aware that I was not the blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl next door; I was a reflection of a culture that was often misunderstood and marginalized.

Standing on the sidelines, waiting to be noticed, was an experience steeped in loneliness. My low self-confidence convinced me that I was not good enough, that I was unworthy of friendship or connection. The longing to feel wanted and valued was overwhelming as I stood alone, yearning for inclusion and acceptance. I watched as others formed bonds and created memories, while I remained an observer, trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity.

No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I never truly belonged. I was often stereotyped into a role, culture, or identity that was a construct of the world around me. During the era of the Village People, I was frequently assigned the label of ‘the Indian.’ I didn’t want to be just ‘the Indian’—I was already embracing my identity, rich with culture and history. Yet, instead of voicing my discomfort and facing the potential of further isolation, I chose to don the mask that others expected of me. Thus, Sonita the people pleaser emerged;

• the yes person,

• the forever happy person,

• the person who made everyone feel better,

• avoided friction by giving in,

• always the submissive, allowing the alpha to dominate,

• the one who maintained peace at all costs.

Everyone loved the people pleaser. They included me in everything, and I assumed an important role in the social fabric of my community by ensuring that others felt good about themselves. No longer relegated to the sidelines, I was now sought out, and it felt exhilarating to be seen and acknowledged. However, beneath the surface, the loneliness persisted, gnawing at me like a relentless tide. The constant fear of being shunned drove me to morph myself into whatever others needed me to be. I was there for everyone, yet paradoxically, no one was there for me.

As I attempted to navigate the complexities of fitting in, I became acutely aware of my perceived failures. It didn’t matter that I set impossibly high standards for myself; the bar was so elevated that I often sabotaged my own chances of success. This created a vicious cycle of mental self-flagellation that echoed relentlessly in my mind:

• People will see your weakness. Do better, Sonita.

• People will turn their back on you. Do better, Sonita.

• People will realise you have no worth. Do better, Sonita.

• People will know you have no value. Do better, Sonita.

• You deserve to be alone. Do better, Sonita.

• People don’t love failures. Do better, Sonita.

• You are a burden. Do better, Sonita.

• Try harder. Be better. Do better, Sonita.

None of my friends had any inkling of the turmoil that lay beneath my cheerful exterior; I didn’t want them to know. I was determined to be seen as the happy, supportive, and ‘together’ Sonita, refusing to reveal any cracks in my facade. I dreaded the thought of being on the outside looking in; I craved to be perceived as strong, intelligent, and unbroken. I slipped into a basic survival mode, attempting to socialize with friends, but instead of feeling connected, I often felt awkward and out of place. The nagging thought persisted: Why would anyone want to talk with me or be my friend when I felt I had nothing of value to offer? I didn’t fit into the false narrative I had constructed for myself.

I never voiced my struggles to anyone; I kept my silence locked away. I tried desperately to rise above the waves of hopelessness that threatened to drown me. Finding a glimmer of positivity became an increasingly daunting task, as my good days grew fewer and farther between.

Debilitating insomnia became a constant companion, dominating my nights and preventing me from emerging from the dark pit I found myself in. I loathed myself, and all I could see were the negative aspects of my existence—bad, wrong, and failure. For all of this, I directed my anger inward, blaming myself for my perceived shortcomings. I viewed myself as weak, pathetic, and a waste of space, a sentiment that weighed heavily on my spirit.

Yet, amidst the darkness, I made a commitment to healing and rebuilding myself, one small step at a time. I promised myself that each time I fell, I would take a breath, gather my strength, and rise again.

Instead of hiding, burying, or ignoring the pain, hurt, and confusion, I chose to give them a voice. I began by writing letters to myself, crafting random sayings to keep my spirit afloat, and pouring my thoughts into journals, which eventually evolved into my poems. Through this creative outlet, my truth was set free, and embraced with acceptance, honor, and love for myself. These poems became my sanctuary, a safe space where I could choose, define, strengthen, heal, and rebuild who I was meant to be.

One poem at a time, one journey at a time, and one healing at a time, Poetry of Healing was born. This collection reflects not just my struggles but also my triumphs, encapsulating the essence of resilience and the power of self-love.

My hope is that these poems resonate with you, supporting you in finding your voice and illuminating your path toward healing and the choice to embrace life wholeheartedly.

Each poem whispers a gentle reminder:

You are not alone.

You are seen.

You are heard.

You matter.

You are enough.

Never give up.

Believe in the power of you.

And always… LOVE you.

Sonita xx